#003 - How to raise colour-conscious kids and reflections on the Real Housewives
Language Matters Memo, a monthly newsletter from Sadia Siddiqui, focused on fostering more progressive and inclusive language.
Hello and welcome to the April issue of The Language Matters Memo. This month's issue features a guide on raising anti-racist children and an analysis of how race is handled on reality TV, with a particular focus on The Real Housewives franchise.
Before we get into those topics, I have a book recommendation for you.
You must read: All the Lonely People by Mike Gayle.
I've read Mike Gayle's books since the early noughties (aughts for American readers). Gayle is a British writer, and I'd liken his writing style to that of Jojo Moyles, Nick Hornby, Beth O'Leary and David Nicholls - the sort of emotionally charged books you're thinking about days after you've finished reading them.
All the Lonely People, Gayle's 28th book, was published in 2020 and was shortlisted for Book of the Year by The British Book Awards 2021. Here's a quick synopsis:
"In phone calls to his daughter in Australia, widower Hubert Bird paints a picture of the perfect retirement, packed with fun and friendship. But Hubert is lying. Something has made him turn his back on people, and he hardly sees a soul. So when his daughter announces that she's coming to visit, Hubert faces a race against time: to make his real life resemble his fake life before he's found out. Along the way, Hubert renews a cherished friendship, is given a second chance at love and even joins an audacious community scheme. But with the secret of his earlier isolation lurking in the shadows, is he destined always to be one of the lonely people?"
I initially thought this might hit a little too close to home. My parents are around the same age as Hubert, and stories about loneliness and older people are my Achilles heel. I hate the idea of anyone being alone, and I am a sucker for stories like this one. I'm glad I gave it a chance - especially given the gut-wrenching twist towards the end of the book.
The book's chapters alternate between the present day and Hubert's past. We learn about the hardships and racism Hubert faced following his emigration from Jamaica to 1950s England. The joy of meeting and falling in love with Joyce, a young white woman who worked at the same department store. The heartbreak of Joyce's racist family disowning her and their eventual marriage. The transitions between the past and present-day work well, slowly revealing why Hubert's beautiful and full life petered out into such a lonely existence.
I incorporated book/TV/film reviews into this newsletter because I maintain that one way to promote a greater understanding of each other is to consume each other’s stories. Although this is fiction versus a historical text, it provides insight into the experience of the Windrush generation and the barriers they broke that, ultimately, my parents, as immigrants from South Asia, benefited from in the 1960s. In summary, this is a book about Britain's diverse communities, the experiences we share, the richness of Caribbean culture and most importantly, the joy of human connection.
Hubert Bird and his quest to make friends stole my heart, and I think he’ll steal yours too.
You can buy All The Lonely People here.
Race & Reality TV: With a Focus on The Real Housewives
Like most people, I have varied tastes, but one of my great loves and one that I refuse to apologise for, is reality TV, specifically glossy American reality TV. Be it Selling Sunset, Million Dollar Listing or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; I'm guaranteed to watch.
I got hooked on The Real Housewives during trips to the USA and bought my fixation home with me. For the uninitiated, The Real Housewives is a reality television franchise that began in 2006 with The Real Housewives of Orange County. Each franchise documents the personal and professional lives of a group of privileged and affluent women residing in or around a particular city. At this point, it would be easier to list the franchises I don't watch (Dubai and Dallas) than those I do. Before we go any further, I wanted to revisit the show that sparked my interest in reality TV; MTV's Real World.
Real World was huge in the '90s and ran until 2017. The show featured a group of diverse young adults picked to live together in a new city whilst being filmed 24/7. It was groundbreaking and touched on issues including sex, religion, sexuality, death, politics and race.
I watched about three seasons before I grew out of it, but one of my overarching memories is the discussions the cast would have regarding race, sexuality and identity. Without fail, there would be some form of racial or homophobic transgression that would leave the victim being blamed for playing the so-called race/gay card and, in some cases, being frozen out by their fellow housemates. I was in my late teens and didn't have the vocabulary to articulate how unfair these scenarios were, plus my friends would comment that they ‘didn't understand why race always had to come into it’. This resulted in a belief that life is easier if you put up and shut up.
Today, I’ve thankfully managed to ditch that way of thinking, but not much has changed on the reality TV landscape concerning race and ethnicity or any marginalised identity, for that matter.
Casting and The Real Housewives:
Getting back to The Real Housewives - they have a few different models when it comes to casting. Two franchises feature an all-Black or mixed-race cast (Atlanta and Potomac). Then we have cities like Dallas, New York, Orange County, Salt Lake City, and Beverly Hills, where women of colour are in the minority despite the racial demographics of some of those cities - namely New York. Bringing up the rear, we have my favourite franchise Miami, which features one of the most diverse casts with white, Black, Latin American and West Asian women in the line-up.
All the women who’ve entered these shows as minority women of colour, namely Dr Tiffany Moon (Dallas), Ebony K. Williams (New York) and Garcelle Beauvais and Crystal Kung Minkoff (Beverly Hills), experienced racial bias from other cast mates within weeks of joining. Consequently, the new additions then had to educate their white cast mates and, even more frustratingly, comfort them, as though discussing racism is anywhere near as exhausting as experiencing it.
This has led to some quarters of the Housewives audience (something we've also seen with Love Island UK and The Batchelor, amongst other fandoms) lamenting the introduction of these women and resenting the shows they watch for entertainment, now having to feature such 'heavy' topics.
I've wanted to talk about Housewives in relation to race and ethnicity because no matter how glossy a show may be, it will to an extent, act as a mirror for what's happening in society.
These shows have actually always been about race and that race was whiteness. To explain, when women of colour are introduced, the existing cast is forced to reevaluate previously held biases. These views will have once gone unchecked. Racial bias/racism and other biases become more permissible in environments that lack diversity because people are less likely to call it out if they’re not directly impacted by it. It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge white allies. People who fight the good fight, but let’s face it, are in the minority.
What we see on our screens is what is playing out in workplaces worldwide. Sometimes, people screw up because they don’t know any better; sometimes, they care too little to find out. Either way, the damage is done.
The solution is the same as it would be for any workplace; education and action.
Producers and TV execs need to clean up their act to better protect the marginalised and minoritised women that appear on these shows and avoid them having to do the emotional labour of educating their colleagues. Just as we have intimacy-coordinators on film sets for intimate scenes, we need to have people in the production looking out for unacceptable behaviour and mediating it accordingly. Hence, it turns into a teachable moment for the audience. Some people will say that this is interfering with the realness of these shows, but if these views are left unchecked, nothing changes, and the cycle of harm is perpetuated.
Although these reality TV shows purport to depict reality, reality TV that fails to keep up with our world is neither realistic nor entertaining. We need a commitment to making space for and authentically portraying a broader range of narratives that keeps up and reflects our ever-changing culture.
That is the reality I really want to see.
How to raise colour-conscious and anti-racist children.
Over the years, many white friends have said they don't want to introduce discussions about racism with their children too early as they want to protect their innocence. The view of academics in this space is that this view is fuelled by parental discomfort versus their children's ability to comprehend the concept of inequality.
Numerous studies show that children can make race-based differences at six months and internalise racial bias and preferences from two to four. By 12 years, many children are set in their beliefs.
This gives parents a decade to shape their children's learning process, decrease racial bias and improve cultural learning.
This month, I’m sharing a guide with age-appropriate guidance and advice on how to talk to your children about race and ethnicity more confidently.
Ages 0-4:
What you can do today:
Model the behaviour you want your children to emulate
Diversify what you consume - books, films, TV, toys etc.
Seek out media which counters racial stereotypes and represents people of colour as multidimensional - reframe the mainstream media narrative.
Celebrate diverse role models across all parts of society, from sport to film, to community life and the world stage.
Expose your children to diverse environments.
Proactive actions and language:
Explore race and ethnicity in terms of celebrating similarities and differences. Introduce and then dispel the concept of stereotypes. Remember, you're aiming for colour consciousness and not claiming “not to see colour”. One of the first things we notice about others is their race and ethnicity, so claiming to ‘not see colour’ is a fallacy.
Reactive actions and language:
Scenario 1: A child asks a question about someone's physical appearance. e.g. Why is that women's hair different?
Don't: Hush them/tell them it's rude to talk about/notice race.
I have suggested a response: People are different in many ways, including their hair. Your hair is brown and straight. [Lucy's] hair is curly, and some have twists or braids. All hair is beautiful because it's different.
Scenario 2: A child makes a race-based observation, e.g. Why are all the people working in the hospital Asian?
Don't: Tell them it's rude to talk about/notice race.
Suggested response: I see what you mean, but not all Asian people do the same jobs. People of many races are doing different positions when you take the time to look. [Explore why people may choose the jobs they have]. Maybe it's because we're in an area with more Asian people, so it follows they will work here. Or perhaps they're following their parents into roles they held? Or are they answering a calling? Or maybe they wanted to do another job, but that opportunity wasn't open to them because sometimes people want to put others into boxes they shouldn't have to belong to...? We shouldn't do that.
Scenario 3: Your child says something racially insensitive.
Don't: Ignore it/get angry.
Suggested response: Apologise to the person and explain what you will do. Set clear boundaries about acceptable language/actions and what is not. Talk to the child about what they said, where it came from/where they heard it and then disrupt that thinking for them.
5-10 years old:
What you can do today:
Continue the actions from before +
Talk about racism and clarify that, like other injustices, it's wrong.
Ensure children know they can speak to you about racism and will get honest and open responses.
Acknowledge racism is more than “bad words.”
Incorporate anti-racism books into your reading routine so they know how to tackle it when - not if - it comes up.
Proactive actions and language:
Introduce the topic of systemic racism: Racism is more than name-calling. It can be seen everywhere, from beauty standards to the visibility and depiction of people in everyday society. It also affects the way people live, from the jobs they can get to their personal well-being and sense of safety. We must acknowledge these facts and work to dismantle them whenever we see them or if someone who needs our help tells us about them.
Reactive actions and language:
Scenario: Your child’s friend experiences racism or bullying.
Don’t: Tell them to ignore it, infer it’s part of life.
Suggested advice:
Encourage the child to support their friend and actively listen to their experience and encourage them to:
Tell a teacher/adult about what is happening and who was involved - it’s not snitching; it’s doing the right thing.
Use their voice to ensure people listen to their friends but avoid making it about them. The focus should be on the child being impacted.
Think about how they can support their friend and their well-being.
Please be ready to listen whenever they are needed and required to do.
0-15 years old
What you can do today:
Continue the actions from before +
Introduce books that centre on issues of social justice:
Discuss what is happening in the news while recognising and celebrating our society's multidimensionality.
Acknowledge societal inequalities whilst making clear they aren’t fair or proper.
Use history to show how inequality persists today versus promoting the idea it's been 'fixed.'
Discuss allyship and what it means to be an ally for all marginalised communities.
Overall: Some don'ts:
Don’t tokenise other children and suggest your child must play/be friends with them because of their race/ethnicity.
Rely on your friends to educate you; there are lots of great and free online resources.
Have a one-off conversation and think your job is done.
Think you have to have all the answers - keep educating yourself and your family.
Get stuck in the unlearning phase; learnings are only valuable when applied.
If you've found this topic interesting and would like to hear more, drop a comment below and let me know if you'd like me to share more about talking to a child's school about their anti-racism teachings.
Before I sign off, I wanted to thank subscribers who engaged with the Ramadan: Guide to Inclusive Language post. I was so touched by how widely it was shared on Instagram and LinkedIn. On average, my posts are saved by 500-700 people depending on the topic, but this post was my most saved ever, with 1,100+ people saving it to read later. Thank you 💛 for making me and many others feel seen and supported this Ramadan.
Until next month,
Sadia.
Additional resources for raising anti-racist children:
www.worldreader.org/now/7-books-that-inspire-empathy-in-children
www.parentkind.org.uk/Parents/Talking-to-your-child-about-anti-racism
Sources for raising anti-racist children:
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/developing-minds/201304/are-kids-racist
https://inclusions.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/Children-are-Not-Colorblind.pdf
Sources Reality TV:
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/tv/a36267375/bravo-real-housewives-race-diversity/
https://www.vulture.com/article/bravo-real-housewives-reckoning.html
Note: Re: The image featured from The New York Times. This omitted Joyce Giraud, of Puerto Rican heritage, from Season 4 of The Housewives of Beverly Hills. Crystal Kung Minkoff (of Chinese origin) joined the cast after this article was published.
NOTE: I have used an affiliate link, meaning if you make a purchase, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost. Thank you for supporting my work and allowing me to continue bringing this free content across Instagram and Substack.
Thank you for all of the care you took writing “How to raise colour-conscious and anti-racist children.” I appreciated the guided suggestions broken down by age. I am very interested in how to navigate these types of conversations properly as my child gets older.