#005 - What's so wrong with asking people "where they come from?"
Language Matters Memo, a monthly newsletter from Sadia Siddiqui, focused on fostering more progressive and inclusive language.
Hello and welcome to the June issue of The Language Matters Memo. This month I explore whether you can or should ask a person of colour, “Where they’re from?” I’ve also created a guide that I’m calling Quick-Fire-Responses. These are pointers on what to say when someone says something problematic about race. Those conversations are hard to have, so hopefully, the tips will help you feel more confident to speak up.
Before we get into those two topics, I have my first-ever podcast recommendation for you.
You must listen to: You're Wrong About
You're Wrong About is a podcast hosted by journalist Sarah Marshall. Each week, Marshall and her guest reconsider an event, person and cultural phenomenon miscast in the public imagination. The topics are varied, and Marshall’s enthusiasm makes even the more obscure subjects - genuinely entertaining.
There's an impressive back-catalogue of episodes with topics as varied as Beanie Babies, Karen Carpenter, and a five-part series on Princess Diana.
As you'd expect from a journalist, the episodes are incredibly well-researched. Although there are some welcome deviations, the hosts go deep on the week's topic and present facts and discoveries in a way that draws you in. Who knew "The Movie Rating System' could be so fascinating?
If you’re unsure where to start, I'd recommend the episode that got me hooked: Cancel Culture: You’re Wrong About.
My eyes roll quite hard when certain people complain that they “can't say anything for fear of being cancelled". UKIP supporters aside, I understand the fear of inadvertently offending people is real, and we need a world where we can openly exchange ideas and information. In this episode, Sarah and her co-host, fellow journalist Michael Hobbs, explore the concept of 'cancel culture' from its origins in the Black vernacular to how it's been co-opted by certain media factions to minimise legitimate calls for accountability. It's a balanced discussion that made me reassess several of my previously held views.
I firmly believe that, as a society, we should normalise changing our minds based on new information. So in a world in dire need of more empathy and better media literacy, You’re Wrong About is an important and engaging listen.
The links provided are for Apple Podcasts, but you can listen to Your Wrong About wherever you get your podcasts. Do let me know what you think. I'd love to know if you do listen!
Why we need to stop asking people of colour where they are from
Humans create social connections by asking questions. It's how we bond and relate to each other. So based on that - what's so wrong with asking a person of colour - who obviously has connections to another part of the world - where they are from?
Where are you from?
The question sounds innocent and crops up all the time - in interviews, networking events and small talk with our Uber drivers and Task Rabbitters. It may seem innocuous, but for people of colour, it has the potential to evoke something else within us - our sense of belonging.
Let's unpack that a little. For those of us who may already feel different in some environments - perhaps we’re the only Black or brown face in the room - being asked, “Where are you from" when we may sound just like you - just serves to highlight that difference.
Whether it's intended or not, it's shorthand for "you don't really belong here". Especially when it's followed up with exclamations of "that's what I thought" or worse 'you don't look [insert ethnicity]". The whole exchange is laden with assumptions and stereotypes about race and ethnicity.
When I’ve asked my white friends and colleagues why they may have asked this question, their responses vary on the following "I want to acknowledge their heritage" or "I'm just curious about where they are from".
Let’s use these as a starting point to deconstruct this topic further and provide some things to consider if you're ever tempted to ask this question.
"I want to acknowledge their heritage."
This is code for “I’m-acknowledging-that-I’ve-noticed-you’re-different-from-me.”
I'm very much at pains to point out that reactively negatively to this question doesn't indicate one being ashamed of their race or ethnicity. I love sharing aspects of my culture, but in a formal work setting, this question makes individuals wonder what this information will be used for, what conclusions will be arrived at, and what assumptions are being made.
"I'm curious about where they are from".
Curiosity is natural, but people's identities and, in some cases, their relationships with them can be complex. Just as we wouldn't ask someone who uses a wheelchair why they use one, access to this information isn't a given just because you've requested it.
If you do want to ask someone about their family or cultural background, here's some guidance;
Get to know the person first: It'll help you appreciate everything you have in common versus highlighting a difference. A difference that, unfortunately, is a disadvantage in most aspects of our lives - from our careers to dating to feeling safe as we move through the world.
Wording is so important: Asking ‘where are you from’ questions whether they belong and their place in society but asking about “their family heritage or cultural background" acknowledges that it's their heritage first and foremost and doesn't suggest or presume they don't belong here.
Accept the answer you're given: If someone reacts negatively to the question or doesn't give you the answer you were looking for, accept that this is the answer you will get.
Allow the topic to surface organically: People's backgrounds come up naturally in a conversation when they feel comfortable and open to sharing. Allow that conversation to happen naturally.
Here's not what to do:
Try to figure out someone's ethnicity based on appearance: It may be fun to play that game, but it's uncomfortable for the other person.
Talk negatively about the country they are "really" from: This is why people feel uncomfortable with the question in the first place. It leads to the unleashing of assumptions and stereotypes.
Ask them if they know another person of the same ethnicity: This is just a strange thing to do.
To conclude, asking questions is a great way to bond, but how you ask those questions and when you ask them matters. Focus less on what you want to know and more on how it will be received. I find that’s a good lesson in life overall!
Quick responses - what to say when someone says something problematic
It can be hard to know how to react when someone makes a problematic statement, especially if you're in a professional setting. I've rounded up some of the comments people make regarding race and ethnicity and provided some responses. I hope the prompts help you as you navigate your anti-racism journeys.
#1: "Not everything is about race!"
Quick response: Society advantages some whilst simultaneously disadvantaging others, for example, access to housing, healthcare and education, or when they interact with authorities such as the police or immigration officers. Race impacts and impedes all facets of life. Ignoring this fact and pretending it doesn’t happen is dangerous and redundant.
#2: "I can't be racist! I’ve got lots of Black friends."
Quick response: Proximity to Black people does not immunise a person against holding and perpetuating racist views and behaviours. Using your friend’s race as a badge of honour is also weird. We all have our own biases; we’ll only move forward if we’re honest and open to unlearning them.
#3: "That's reverse racism toward me as a white person!"
Quick response: Whilst you can have individual instances of prejudice. Racism requires both prejudice AND power. When the bias is backed by power, it results in acts of discrimination, exclusion and oppression against groups or individuals. Secondly, if reverse racism were an issue, we would live in a world where all racial groups have equal institutional, social, and systemic power. We don’t, and therefore reverse racism is a myth.
#4: "White Privilege? I worked hard to get where I am."
Quick response: White privilege doesn’t mean you breezed through life with zero bumps in the road. It simply means that your skin colour wasn’t one of those bumps or barriers. Most people move through life experiencing privileges and disadvantages but for white people, their race isn’t one of them.
#5: "I'm not a racist person."
Quick response: Racism is more than racial slurs and telling jokes at the expense of marginalised people. Racism is often subconscious and presents as biases you may not be aware of. Everyone is affected by racism in a racialised society, rather than putting effort into convincing everyone you’re not a racist. Put that effort into focussing on being anti-racist. It will serve you and society better.
That's it for June! Last month, I promised you an essay on how racialised individuals can hold up racist systems. It was much harder to tackle than I thought, but I will share it soon.
Take care, and if you've enjoyed reading this issue, please share it with a friend and help this little newsletter grow.
Until July,
Sadia