#18: Navigating Difficult Conversations: Part 1
No one likes to be uncomfortable, but we often make the situation worse when we avoid essential conversations that could move us forward.
We all have to have difficult conversations at work, but when the conversation concerns someone’s identity, such as their race or sexuality, there can be a temptation to shut the conversation down or change the subject.
This issue seeks to help you navigate two common scenarios.
Scenario 1: My client has said something problematic, but you don’t know how to tackle it. After all, they pay the bills.
The events of 2020 ignited long-overdue conversations about workplace diversity and the requirement to create environments that are actively anti-racist. Most organisations acknowledged they had more work to do and doubled their efforts. Whilst this work is critical, it tends to be internally focused. But what do organisations do when an issue presents itself from an external party, such as a fee-paying client? How do we deal with things when there’s a power dynamic at play?
Keep Calm and Carry On
Sadly, in my experience, there has been a tendency from those in leadership roles to play down client comments, describing them as “off-colour” at best and “casual racism” at worst. People of Colour (POC) will tell you that there’s nothing casual about racism or, indeed, homophobia, antisemitism, Islamophobia or any prejudice. And there’s nothing more demoralising than knowing that a financial arrangement is more important than your peace of mind and psychological safety.
That said, conversations about topics such as racism aren’t easy, but if we’re to make progress, we need to break this taboo and discuss transgressions without being fearful.
Here are five principles to consider:
1. Talk about it upfront, from day one and then keep talking about it:
When talking to new clients, businesses discuss their workplace culture - the ping pong table and softball team, but if Diversity & Inclusion (D&I) is essential to you, then you need to talk about that, too.
You should share information on your actions to create a more inclusive environment and a sense of belonging. Set out your stall and show that it matters to you. Lead by example and make it clear that racism isn’t tolerated on any level.
2. Drop the code words
There are many ways of referring to Blackness without using the word ‘Black. It often involves clients using loaded terms like ‘urban’ or ‘inner city’ in documents such as marketing briefs.
If the last few years have taught us anything, we need to stop avoiding conversations about race. If you mean Black people or culture, say that. The same applies to Brown people and culture.
In my experience, the squeamishness people display when mentioning race has nothing to do with the people they are describing and everything to do with their own bias and prejudice.
Be upfront in your conversations with clients. Remember, the goal is not colour blindness; it’s colour consciousness.
3. See the humanity, the roundness of people:
If you’re developing marketing or internal communications, be mindful of clients and everyone’s language about the people you feature. Examples of this could include statements like, “The diversity has gone too far” or “Our audiences won’t be able to relate to someone gay/disabled”.
One of the characteristics of white fragility specifically is the idea that white people are just people, whereas POC belong to a race. Therefore, white people can represent all of humanity, but POC may only represent their races and not humanity in general. The same applies to folks from other marginalised communities where their identity must lead first.
Remember this when casting people for photoshoots and ads, and resist perpetuating stereotypes and racial stereotypes. Watch out, for example, if a client wants to feature a Black or Asian woman in an ad but only in a role of servitude. Communications have the power to populate and shape culture, and we should commit to helping clients with that.
4. Have your team's back:
D&I efforts, which are not underpinned by tangible anti-racism measures, will very quickly be rendered meaningless.
All employers have a duty of care to their employees, especially those from marginalised communities. To deliver this, we need environments that are actively anti-racist, celebrate neurodiversity, are intolerant of homophobia and transphobia and are actively dismantling toxic masculinity at every opportunity.
It also means that if a team member comes to you with an issue, you owe them your support and must raise it with the client.
It won't be the easiest of conversations, but it is the right thing to do. Here's a suggested guide:
Have a more senior team talk to the client directly and explain that the behaviour is an issue. Do not enter into a back-and-forth dialogue, but clarify that it goes against the organisation’s ethics.
Make the distinction between intention and impact. Focus the discussion on its impact.
Ask the client if they would like it raised with their line manager. If they decline, respect this request. If another issue is raised later, ensure it is escalated.
Thank them for listening and understanding the importance of these matters.
Change the subject and discuss something else. This demonstrates that a. You've drawn a line under it, and b. They can come back from this transgression. If we write people off, then what message are we sending out?
5. Thought leadership that's good for the bottom line and society
Thought leadership is critical to any client-based business. Clients rely on their partners to lead them and not just manage them. Make D&I a pillar of your thought-leadership strategy. Show them examples of best-in-class communications and share what you're doing internally. The best client partners challenge their clients to help them make more money. This initiative will help you do that while also fighting racial inequality and prejudice.
Scenario 2: Someone tells an inappropriate joke at the pub, and everyone laughs nervously, knowing it's wrong, but they keep quiet to avoid things getting more uncomfortable
Speaking up can be difficult, but if we don’t, our silence can be interpreted as not caring or agreeing with the statements. Diverse workplaces and inclusionary practices benefit business, mental health, and society. Therefore, we should practice inclusion daily by ensuring instances of exclusion are called out.
This scenario involves disrupting the conversation. There are three ways to approach it, ranging from indirect to very pointed. Let’s start with the indirect approach.
Approach 1—Gently probing: In these instances, we could say something like, “Sorry, I do understand,” or “Can you explain the joke to me?” Benign questions like this register that something problematic has been said. Chances are the speaker will be reluctant to unpack their prejudicial views publically, and in my experience, they usually change the subject, knowing that they have been called out. You can then quickly move on.
Approach 2 - More direct: This calls for you to be more forthright and ask the person, “Can you please explain where that thinking comes from?” and “Do you think it’s right to hold those views?” There's no denying it will switch up the vibe of the discussion, but you’ll be doing the right thing by calling it out, and now the onus is on the other person to either double down or apologise.
Approach 3 - Super direct: This is the most pointed of the responses, as you explain why you're speaking up and challenging them. Perhaps you could say something along the lines of “I’m speaking up because I’m learning to be a better ally for those around me, and part of that is speaking out when someone says something [xenophobic/racist/homophobic/ableist/antisemitic]. Those views make me uncomfortable, so let's not do this. Let's change the subject now and move on. Cool?”
I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy, but to wrap up Part 1 of this series, I would say that we all want to leave the world a better place than we found it, and we all have a sphere of influence. Let's make sure we use it.
July recommendations:
📻 LISTEN to The SSR Podcast with Alli Hoff Kosik.
Each week, Hoff Kosik and guests revisit a “literary throwback”. This could be a book they adored as a tween or teen or perhaps a title they missed as a kid and are now reading for the first time. They discuss their memories of the book and consider the cultural and societal changes since these books were first published, for example, how we used to talk about our bodies, diet, culture, politics and religion.
I don't favour historical revisionism as I think it is essential to approach texts in context to understand our progress as a society and highlight where there is still more work to be done. I think that deconstruction and introspection are precisely what makes this such an interesting listening experience. If the sizable back catalogue feels daunting, don’t worry; you can dip in and out of the books you’ve read. I particularly loved the analysis of Judy Blume's much-loved book Are You There God? ItIt'se, Margaret.
You can listed to The SSR Podcast on Apple and Spotify now.
📖 READ Cinderella by Fairy Tales Retold.
This leads nicely to my recommendation for Fairy Tales Retold, a publisher that specialises in modernising old classics for today's world.
Although I’ve just claimed I’m not in favour of revisionist history, given the enduring nature of fairy tale folklore, popularised by the Brothers Grimm in 1812, some modernisation is called for.
Fairy Tales Retold retains the original story's spirit, for example, Cinderella, but its values and narratives are subtly different. For example, rather than damsels in distress and characters waiting to be saved, we have characters who are empowered to save themselves. To follow up on the point about revisionism - we don’t need to ban books or consider them taboo; we need new stories to focus on, and that's why I appreciate these new takes on what are very old stories.
You can purchase Fairy Tales Retold Books here or request them from your local library. Editor'sote: This is not a sponsored feature, but I have previously worked with Fairy Tales Retold. I adore the concept, so I wanted to share it here.
📱 WATCH this TikTok from @DrinkableBryan that deconstructs race—and ethnicity-based microaggressions. When you hear them described in the video, they sound ridiculous, but you'd be surprised by how common they are. Maybe you've said or thought something along those lines before. This hilarious video tells you what you should say instead. [Spoil r: 🤐. ]
Okay, friends, that's it for now. If you'd like to follow me on @_languagematters, that would be lovely. If you have anything to say or ask, please don't hesitate to let me know in the comments below.
As always, thank you for reading this post. I’m so glad you’re here. If you like what you're reading, please consider sharing this newsletter. If you have the time to ‘like' it by clicking it ♡, that would mean a lot to me, as it will help more people see it.
Until next month, take care,
