#27 – Want to be a better friend? Hold space for the hard conversations.
What happens when you stay instead of turning away.
Late last year, I delivered a training session on Culturally Intelligent Creativity for a London-based advertising agency.
As always, we wrapped up with a Q&A which is the part I love the most. It’s nerve-racking as hell but the questions people ask are so insightful and thought-provoking that I always come away with a new perspective.
After this particular session, I had a few 1:1 conversations and I got talking to a recent recruit. They mentioned they had moved to London from a rural part of England and that as a white individual, they hadn’t had much prior experience interacting with people from different racial and ethnic backgrounds. Six months into their new life in London; they had a diverse set of close friends including several Black and brown women. They mentioned that there had been a couple of instances where they had had some difficult conversations about race and their friends had been very clear: it wasn’t their job to educate their white friend.
All of this led to a sincere, vulnerable question:
"How can I be a better friend, not say the wrong thing, and be there for them?"
I’ve had variations on this question before but the way this query was posed initially had me stumped. I’ve often thought the same thing as her friends but lacked the confidence to assert the same and so I just blurted out: "Don’t change the subject."
That advice came back to me recently as I watched a TikTok from Miss Me the podcast hosted by British broadcaster, Miquita Oliver and her musician BFF, Lily Allen.
In the episode, Oliver shares a recent encounter in a “teashop” where she was treated with thinly veiled hostility. The clip had gone viral as it was an experience that many of us who are ‘visibly other’ could relate to and because it perfectly encapsulates how instances of everyday racism and prejudice shows up.
I’m lucky: I can count on one hand the extreme cases of racism I’ve faced. But like so many others, I carry hundreds of everyday moments just like Oliver’s.
Although the story is Oliver’s to tell - how Allen responded was also noteworthy.
She didn’t shut the conversation down. She didn’t diminish her friend’s feelings. She didn’t steer the conversation elsewhere. She didn’t make it about her.
She stayed in it. She held space. She listened and she asked non-invasive questions. In short she was a good mate.
In my own experience - especially working and socialising in predominantly white spaces, I’ve learned that if someone changes the subject when race, faith, or ethnicity comes up, that I’m not safe in that space and that space isn’t truly for me. It’s for the version of me that is palatable and ironically is ‘safe’ for those around me as heaven forbid that they feel uncomfortable in any way.
As a society, we’re uncomfortable talking about differences. We’re taught to be "colourblind," to pretend it doesn’t exist — even though, neurologically, we are programmed to register differences.
As we all also know; when we feel uncomfortable, it can lead to defensiveness and unfortunately defensiveness is the the enemy of connection.
Let’s be clear:
Talking about race doesn’t create racism.
Talking about difference doesn’t create division.
Talking opens doors. Talking normalises. Talking changes things.
While it's true that no one from a marginalised group should be expected to educate others unless they choose to, the reality is: Only those with lived experience can truly speak to the realities they face.
So when a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger chooses to share their story - the best thing you can do is simple:
Don’t change the subject. Stay in the conversation. Stay with them.
April Recommendations:
📻 LISTEN: to stories of Joy and Resilience from the You’re Wrong About podcast. The world feels really bleak right now and so I wanted to offer you this glimmer. It’s 24 minutes of voice-notes from people sharing what brings them joy and it’s pretty damn delightful.
You can listen to You’re Wrong About on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
📺 WATCH: this TikTok that is a deconstruction (more of a takedown) of the term ‘people of colour’. It’s a phrase that I use, but it’s one that does make me feel uncomfortable for some of the reasons that Vidurabr explores in this clip. [I think this recommendation may raise more questions than it does answers but if you’d like to know more you can read this newsletter where I explored the topic - What do I call people who aren't white? 'Non-white' can't be right, right?]
As ever, thank you as ever for reading this little newsletter. If you like what you’re reading, please consider sharing it with someone you think would appreciate it too. If you have the time to ‘like’ it by clicking the ♡ that would mean a lot to me, as it’ll help more people see it. Especially given that free newsletters are not promoted by Substack. How mean is that! 😇.
Until next month, take care of yourselves 💛 and each other,
