#28 – The Subtle Scripts of Everyday Prejudice: How Conversations (Often) Go Awry
An exploration of three common ways prejudice quietly shapes our conversations and how we can start to unlearn the habits that let it slip through.
We often think of prejudice as being loud and obnoxious, but in reality prejudice shows up in much subtler, everyday forms. It hides in our stories, surfaces in our analogies, and shapes the “innocent” pivots we naturally make in conversation.
This month, I want to focus on three specific ways prejudice often appears in everyday conversation: conflation, deflection, and assumed universality.
These instances of prejudice don't always sound aggressive or overt, but they do something subtle and dangerous: they reinforce the idea of a “norm” and mark others as different, problematic, or peripheral.
Let’s get into it.
1. Conflation
Definition: When broad issues are silently assigned to specific identities.
How does it manifest? You’re having a discussion about the requirement to encourage greater diversity and inclusion within your organisation and someone immediately mentions that the majority of people who are being performance managed within the organisation are people of colour.
It’s a subtle conflation but it says so much. A broad organisation issue (diversity and inclusion) is mapped directly onto specific identities. The person may not realise they’ve done it, but they’ve revealed something internal: an automatic association between greater diversity and inclusion and underperformance.
This shows up all the time:
A discussion about violence turns to the topic of young Black men.
A discussion about family values turns into discussions about trans rights.
A reference to terrorism invokes brown men with beards.
These moments matter. They turn structural issues into racialised ones, narrowing the frame and deepening harmful assumptions - even when no harm was intended.
🧭 What to do instead:
If the conflation if pointed out; Do not get defensive. Pause and ask, “Why did I make that connection? Was it based on facts or familiarity with a stereotype?”
2. Deflection via Proximity
Definition: When identity is used as a shield from accountability.
How does it manifest? This is the “some of my best friends” defence, dressed up in everyday language:
“I have gay friends who aren’t offended by that.”
“My cousin is trans and she jokes about it all the time.”
“I’m married to someone from [X group], so trust me, I get it.”
On the surface, it seems like allyship or connection. But what’s really happening is deflection - the use of proximity to dismiss, defuse, or avoid reflecting on bias.
Personal relationships and proximity don’t erase power dynamics or grant someone immunity from prejudice. You can absolutely love someone and still unconsciously participate in narratives that harm the communities they belong to.
🧭 What to do instead:
When confronted, resist the urge to defend your character. Ask, “What can I learn here? How can I respond with curiosity instead of flaunting my credentials?”
Acknowledge the fact that you lack the lived experience to truly understand and that’s okay, we should not have to apologise or feel guilty for our individual identities. It’s about how you use the privileges life may have afforded you to support others.
3. Assumed Universality
Definition: When your world is unconsciously presented as the world.
How does it manifest? Assumed universality happens when people speak as if their own experiences, identities, or cultural frameworks are shared or are relevant to everyone. It often reveals itself through language that subtly erases diversity or centres a narrow worldview as the “norm.”
For example;
“Every woman knows what it’s like to be underestimated at work.”
“Your boyfriend must be proud of you” (said to a woman)
“Just take the stairs! It’ll be faster.”
“You should just move out if it’s toxic.”
These statements ignore people whose experience of womanhood is shaped by racism, homophobia, or ableism, who might not be in a heterosexual relationship, who may have physical disabilities, or who don’t have the financial freedom to “just move out.”
Assumed universality is very rarely malicious, but it’s never neutral. It subtly reinforces the idea that some lives are “normal” and others are deviations from the norm. It’s a way of othering without saying a word about “others.” People on the margins are left to either speak up (again), code-switch (again), or stay silent (again).
🧭 What to do instead:
Check your defaults. Ask yourself, “Who am I unconsciously speaking for and who am I leaving out?” Practice language that acknowledges plurality:
“Some people might…”
“In my case…”
“Depending on your background or needs…”
It’s a small shift that makes space for everyone.
Why does this matter?
Language doesn’t just reflect our thoughts - it directly shapes them. It constructs the boundaries of who feels safe, seen, and supported in a space. By recognising the subtle ways prejudice shows up in our words, we become more capable of building conversations and communities that are truly inclusive.
I hope you have found these three prompts useful and if you’d like to hear more about other examples that I’ve coined such as the ‘Disguised Compliment’, the ‘Silent Agreement’ and “The “Just Asking Questions” Card” please leave me a note in the comments and I’ll share more next month.
May Recommendations:
📚 READ this Instagram post from anti-racism educator, Marie Beech, about how to talk to your kids about race. It's a few simple slides but really impactful.
You can find more of Marie Beech’s super accessible content here.
📻 LISTEN to The Vocal Fries a podcast about linguistic discrimination and how our accents and dialects lead to assumptions about intelligence and legitimacy. I’d recommend this to anyone interested in the dynamics between language and social power.
You can listen to The Vocal Fries on Apple podcast or Spotify.
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